Happy Fourth of July

Happy Fourth of July! I watched fireworks from the vacant apartment across from mine, the one with the view. I used to love fireworks as a kid. Every year. One year, I didn't get to see fireworks and I had a huge tantrum. I was 23 that year. This year was fine even though I didn't go to a show. I just watched the fireworks in the distance from the dark apartment, alone, and I thought about how it was supposed to be about celebrating all the opportunity there is in this great country. I got teary-eyed, but I think it was because I know all that shit isn't true now. The myth of America- it's even better than Santa Claus and almost as good as the myth of God that we were all taught in our youths. It really hurts when you realize it's all fake.

I do think it's good, though, that we have a holiday, a custom, some light shows in the sky. So I watched the fireworks and I thought about how I have to at least try to make something of my life, even if things aren't right in this country and it's not fair and there's no such thing as "making it on your own." But it was good that I was alone and it was dark and that I was in a place I probably wasn't supposed to be in. I guess that's a blatant (and corny) metaphor
for how I see my life- dark, lonely, out of place, but with shimmering lights on the horizon that I can always look to with immense feelings of hope. Even if those lights are just a symbol for something that doesn't really exist. It's a feeling of optimistic nihilism.